Page Sixteen

in which the princes- prince and princess- speak with an ugly mermaid in a fish tank

"Cmon CharlesChester," whined Winn.

He started up the hill, watching as CharlesChester flounced after him while pausing every so often to trip over his boots.

TIBADOR was waiting when they finally crested the hill, wringing his claws nervously and trembling in fear. The two princes- that is, the young prince and princess- were soon met with the cause of the dragon's apparent distress.

Atop the hill, their eyes were privy to a hideous sight, more hideous than even all the evils of math combined.

A water tank on wheels, pulled by an unfortunate looking canine comically longer than he was tall, with floppy ears and an adorable face, was parked at the foot of TIBADOR's tail. And inside the tank was a wretched, scaly monster with eyes like dead fish and a lumpy body shriveled by brine.

Char- Chester took a step back and pinched her nose daintily.

"Eww, groty!"

"I think he's kind of cute." Winn had bent over the canine cart-puller, fussing with his floppy ears.

"Yeah, no- I mean, that...thing! Get it out of here," whined Chester, pushing the port-a-tank back with a well-placed kick. The doggy deliveryboy yipped piteously, turning puppy-dog eyes up at the trio.

"Please, dear sirs, he is to be saying," TIBADOR translated slowly, "It has being a long journey from the lands of water, and if you would just listen to what the mermaid of ugly would be saying..."

"Yeah, well, whatever. Just make it quick."

A vile hiss and slither emanated from the portable tank, sounding ominous and very very sinister.

TIBADOR paused, intending to scratch his big head in thought but only managing to reach his scaly neck with his short arms.

"..I am to be feared to say I am not being able to relay these words to the young princes- I mean, young prince and princess," rumbled TIBADOR. "There is perhaps to be mentioning something about a king and teeth paste and- oh! The hat being of Prince Winn."

"Oh, bother bother, this is going to take forever!" a peeved voice cried out from the tank's watery depths. "Listen, lunkheads, here's the deal-"

"You speak our language!" exclaimed Winn.

The mermaid splish-splashed her tail dismissively. "I did a few maymesters of study abroad. It's usually a lot more impressive if I speak in the old tongue, though..unless the translator is an absolute nitwit."

"Garbor gafol!" roared TIBADOR indignantly.

The ugly mermaid continued without acknowledging the outcry. "You there, with the hat, that's my hat. And I liked it very much, but you went and stole it from me, and now ye have been cursed!"

She paused to cackle evilly.

"Cursed, I say! And now you must do my bidding or forever become my sslavessss."

"Do these pants make my butt look big?"

"As you can see, your dear brother has been reduced to the pitiful likes of an asinine, self-absorbed teenage girl! And you-!"

She cast a critical eye in Winn's direction.

"Well, I suppose you were girly enough to begin with."

"Anyway, my point is that if you ever want your dear brother back again, you must do something for me!"

"Because I don't think my butt really is this big. Maybe it's the light. Oh my god, my thighs are huge."

"You may have heard tell of a kingdom near here, ruled by a nasty nasty king...who refuses to brush his teeth after meals!"

"Eww, no one wants to kiss a guy with bad breath."

"Yes, well. This puts us mermaids in quite a quandary. You see, for years now, we've been the sole suppliers of Pearly White Good Night Mermaid & Co. Toothpaste- Now with more tartar control!"

She paused to let loose a crackly cackle, leaning out over the edge of the tank and spilling some water out the side.

A splash soon sounded, followed by a low whine.

"Get it? Pearly, cause like, we live under the sea. And there are pearls. And pearls are white, and people like white teeth, and-"

"Ohh, pearls would go great with this outfit! Winny, let's go shopping. I need some pearls, and maybe some new boots."

"In any case! Since he hasn't been brushing his teeth, and because there's no healthcare in his kingdom or even any hospitals- let alone dental plans!- toothpaste sales have been at an all-time low, and now the mermaid kingdom is falling into a recession, and it's really quite terrible to be in a recession- I can barely afford to have all the nice breakfast foods I'd like; I haven't had lox on a bagel in ages!"

The ugly mermaid sighed an ugly sigh, retreating back into the watery depths of the tank.

"Now hold on a bit, I need to get this last part right for my fancy exit. And get your dinosaur a language patch or something!"

The ugly mermaid cleared her throat with a harsh grating sound and promptly let loose with an otherwordly screeching reminiscent of rubber tires on hot asphalt, or something equally anachronistically horrendous.

After a moment of intense thought, TIBADOR nodded his lumbering head and addressed the two- the young prince and princess.

"The mermaid of ugly has saying...All you must be doing is to make journey to the king who brushes not his teeth, make usurping of his throne, and to give universal healthcare unto the kingdom that is his," he finished triumphantly.

"-Before breakfast in two suns, or you shall remain cursed forever after! Et cetera, et cetera." Came the garbled amendment from within the tank.

"Now, mush! I want to be back in time for waffles."